I am currently going on 11 weeks in recovery clean of self harm. AND I went through all of last week without shedding a single tear. Now, let me explain that statement a bit..
You see, there is absolutely nothing wrong with crying..however, I haven’t had a week without crying since March (8 months!). And if you’ve been following me on here you’d know this past year has been one of the most hardest and painful years I have ever experienced.
Last Tuesday, I went to GC (gospel community/small group) where I opened up about my ongoing battle with depression and suicidal thoughts..my prayer request was that the Lord would redeem the chemicals in my brain..that they would work properly so that I could find joy in life again. Now, I’ve prayed that prayer for almost my whole life..and clearly I still struggle with depression. But guys, God answered that prayer last Tuesday. Because I had been crying myself to sleep every night consecutively for months now, feeling drained and hopeless. So the fact that I went all last week without crying was nothing short of a miracle. All by his immeasurable grace.
Its baby steps. Very rarely does God give us the “quick fix” because his glory is magnified through his redemption. Taking cuts and stitching them back together, taking lifeless bodies and breathing life into them, taking broken hearts and healing them..but its a process. And one day we’ll look back and see that he was and is always working for good.
So thank you Jesus, for pursuing such a lonely broken soul and making me beautiful, even when I fight it. Thank you for sustaining me. Thank you for not letting me die even when I’ve begged for it. Thank you for joy that is clearly from you alone. Thank you for who you are. Thank you.